#14 Panaderia Calendars

True Story: My dad still has one of these in his garage. It’s from 1996.

I don’t know why but every Panaderia has been giving out the same two or three calendars for the past thirty years. Of course the dates have changed but the image is always the same, an Aztec Warrior carrying “Maria” in his arms. You know, the one where every other day is some kinda saint’s holiday or something. The only time these come in handy is on Mexican Mother’s Day since Aubelita wants to here from you then, not on American Mother’s Day.

In fact, the year’s almost over. Next time you see your abuela, take her some pan mexicano, give her a hug and the new 2012 calendar. Also, light her veladora, according to the all-knowing panaderia calendar, tomorrow is St. Augustin Don Martin Pedro’s birthday.

#13 Unbuttoning More Than 2 Shirt Buttons

Part of the Mexican Way is to show off your chest hair. Bonus points if you’re wearing a gold chain with a crucifix. You see, it’s hot as hell in Mexico, or maybe Mexico is hell? Anyway, in order to stay cool, our dads and tios have figured out that unbuttoning that third button reduces temperatures by up to 20% OK, I made that shit up and Mythbusters wont return my calls so let just go with it.

Chest hair is part of the machismo that we pride ourselves in. It means you’re a man. You have a job, drive a Ford, and will serenade your girl with love songs when you’re drunk. We’re bullfighters, lovers, and hairy, mysterious men with a gold Jesus buried in a forest of curly pelos. It drives the white girls crazy too. They say once you go black you never go back. But ladies, trust me, once you go Mexican, you’ll never second guess again.

#12 Old(e) English

We drink that malt liquor, Gringo. We drink it when we’re in that 90′s gangsta rap mood. When we crease our Dickies and feel like getting tore up. We love the Old English font too instead the boring ass Helvetica all the white boys with glasses be drooling over. I mean, check out this maricon cabron:

Nothing like getting your last name tattooed across your back, or placed above your Raiders sticker above the back of your pickup; As long as it’s in Old English (even if you don’t know English.)

I aint trippin though. God knows this site has more typos than your dad’s got tools. I mean hey, it’s not Vato’s fault his tattoo artist went to night school and took Spanish and got a B.

#11 Ford

The Way of The Mexican involves driving Fords.

To be OG with it, you gotta drive a mid 90′s Ford Explorer or a Thunderbird.

You see, our (grand)parents didn’t come to the US to have us drive Japanese cars, we buy American. Plus, even though they may not run tip top, we got a mechanic or three in the family. Tio Jose Luis can fix that intake manifold no problem. All he needs is a spare weekend. You just gotta hold the flashlight and make parts runs and beer runs. Then just go to the remate and get a CD player and you’re all set.

VAMANOS PUTOS!

#10 La Llorona

Mexicans have the best ghost stories.  You couldn’t scare us by saying some scary monster was hiding under our beds. You know why?  We didn’t have an “under the bed!”  We had a box frame with the mattress on top.

Parents had to get inventive.  They were always fond of one ghost story.  La Llorona.  Everyone has their own version of it.  Here’s mine.

#9 Soccer

Soccer is serious business to Mexicans.  SERIOUS BUSINESS. The only way I could get into this, is if I were the announcer.  Say it with me, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL”!

The two most popular teams are The Chivas and America.  The Chivas are named after goats? Ay Diosito, dame paciencia!  Why do Mexicans like goats so much?  I still have nightmares of when I was a kid, well… I thought my Dad bought a pet goat.  It was tied to a tree.  Later a bunch of people came over.  “We’re having a party!”  “…hey, Mommy…where’s the goat?”  And that was the day I learned, that literally, MY PARENTS WERE CHUPACABRAS.

So readers, what team is better? Chivas or America?

#8 Hawaiian Pizza

The way of the Mexican involves eating Hawaiian Pizza.  Ham and Pineapple.  Why do we like it so much?

We don’t know.

This is the greatest mystery of our culture.  It will never be solved.

Sorry,

El Borracho

#7 Raiders

Why do Mexicans love the Raiders so much?  It’s a California thing.  I’m sure they are nuts about the Cowboys in Texas.  But here, we have the good ol’ Black and Silver.  Mexicans are very loyal.  We good peoples like that.  So even if the Raiders haven’t one more than 5 games each season for like 6 years straight, it’s OK.  We stick with them.

Also, black makes you look tough.  We Mexicans pride ourselves in looking tough.  We shave our heads (Mr. Clean looked tough right?) wear black (Raiders gear), and wear baggy pants (metaphor for how big are “balls” are).  Plus, Raiders fans are just plain psycho, so if we can add fear by proxy by wearing a jersey, then hell yeah we will.

#6 Leisure Time

I haven’t updated this site in a little over a year.  I still get comments on the regular though.  Love you guys!

So why haven’t I updated for so long?  Well, part of the Mexican Way is to be lazy. enjoy your leisure time.  We like to chillax with the homies.  I’ve been working on my car, drinking bud light, and eating crazy amounts of eggs with chorrizo and nopales.  I guess you can say this blog had itself a little siesta.

I’m back PUTOS!

#5 Natural Cures

Mexicans like to believe in natural cures.  It dates back to small villages not having access to a doctor.  Some of my favorites include:

Fever- Drink 7Up

Upset Stomach- Tecate with lots of lime juice (this one works with enough doses)

Constipation- Call your mom’s friend’s Aunt who know how to do this weird massage ritual thingy.

Stuffy Nose- Grandma’s Chile Verde

Heartbreak- Suaza Hornitos, 6 pack of…you guessed it, and a radio

Hangover- Menudo.  Crudo? Try Menudo!