Archive for the ‘Food & Beverage’ Category


Birthday? Baby Shower? Baptismo? Daughter lost her first tooth? Whatever the reason, the celebration is to be had at the park. The place where alcohol isn’t allowed, but to us, that just means beer, no hard liquor.

Carne asada, Tecate, Bud Light, Corona, and…Pacifico? Who the fuck brought Pacifico? Pinche, Osvaldo, I swear man. Damn his wife is fine though, lucky motherfucker, how did he get her? I’m not hatin’ but seriosly, pinche Osvaldo, man. Ooh, oh, Tio is drunk again. He’s singing with the music… in his car. Don’t drive tio, have some cake. The car is just on so the battery won’t die? OK, cool. Wait where you going? You lied! Dad, Tio took off drunk. “He’s just making a beer run, leave him alone.” Why are there so many kids? I have cousins I don’t even know about. Damn that salsa is hot, I need another beer. All that’s left is Pacifico? FUCKING OSVALDO, MAN. I swear.


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True Story: My dad still has one of these in his garage. It’s from 1996.

I don’t know why but every Panaderia has been giving out the same two or three calendars for the past thirty years. Of course the dates have changed but the image is always the same, an Aztec Warrior carrying “Maria” in his arms. You know, the one where every other day is some kinda saint’s holiday or something. The only time these come in handy is on Mexican Mother’s Day since Aubelita wants to here from you then, not on American Mother’s Day.

In fact, the year’s almost over. Next time you see your abuela, take her some pan mexicano, give her a hug and the new 2012 calendar. Also, light her veladora, according to the all-knowing panaderia calendar, tomorrow is St. Augustin Don Martin Pedro’s birthday.

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#9 Soccer

Soccer is serious business to Mexicans.  SERIOUS BUSINESS. The only way I could get into this, is if I were the announcer.  Say it with me, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL”!

The two most popular teams are The Chivas and America.  The Chivas are named after goats? Ay Diosito, dame paciencia!  Why do Mexicans like goats so much?  I still have nightmares of when I was a kid, well… I thought my Dad bought a pet goat.  It was tied to a tree.  Later a bunch of people came over.  “We’re having a party!”  “…hey, Mommy…where’s the goat?”  And that was the day I learned, that literally, MY PARENTS WERE CHUPACABRAS.

So readers, what team is better? Chivas or America?

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#8 Hawaiian Pizza

The way of the Mexican involves eating Hawaiian Pizza.  Ham and Pineapple.  Why do we like it so much?

We don’t know.

This is the greatest mystery of our culture.  It will never be solved.


El Borracho

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#1 Bud Light

beerThis beer is a staple among Mexicans.  It is required to be present at all Baby Showers, Easters, Birthdays, and First Communions.

Mexicans use this beer to celebrate, to mourn, and to marinate steaks.

While bottles are good, smart Mexicans go for the cans. Recycling them for cash is part of the Mexican way.

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