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Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

True Story: My dad still has one of these in his garage. It’s from 1996.

I don’t know why but every Panaderia has been giving out the same two or three calendars for the past thirty years. Of course the dates have changed but the image is always the same, an Aztec Warrior carrying “Maria” in his arms. You know, the one where every other day is some kinda saint’s holiday or something. The only time these come in handy is on Mexican Mother’s Day since Aubelita wants to here from you then, not on American Mother’s Day.

In fact, the year’s almost over. Next time you see your abuela, take her some pan mexicano, give her a hug and the new 2012 calendar. Also, light her veladora, according to the all-knowing panaderia calendar, tomorrow is St. Augustin Don Martin Pedro’s birthday.

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Part of the Mexican Way is to show off your chest hair. Bonus points if you’re wearing a gold chain with a crucifix. You see, it’s hot as hell in Mexico, or maybe Mexico is hell? Anyway, in order to stay cool, our dads and tios have figured out that unbuttoning that third button reduces temperatures by up to 20% OK, I made that shit up and Mythbusters won’t return my calls so let’s just go with it.

Chest hair is part of the machismo that we pride ourselves in. It means you’re a man. You have a job, drive a Ford, and will serenade your girl with love songs when you’re drunk. We’re bullfighters, lovers, and hairy, mysterious men with a gold Jesus buried in a forest of curly pelos. It drives the white girls crazy too. They say once you go black you never go back. But ladies, trust me-once you go Mexican, you’ll never second guess again.

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Mexican people prominently display this in their kitchens.  Mexicans feel good knowing that while eating posole, Jesus is never too far away.

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